Insert joke about suckage here

Thirty years after its initial theatrical take-off, Airplane! remains the untarnished gold standard for free-form movie parodies. In sharp contrast, Vampires Suck -- the latest from the folks who gave us, whether we wanted them or not, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie -- is unremittingly leaden. You can read my Variety review here.

Meet the Spartans

And so I ran, screaming, into the parking lot, in the wake of the midnight screening of Meet the Spartans, my eyes burning and my ears bleeding...

OK, I'm exaggerating. A little. Truth is, I'm sure there are some circumstances under which I might have enjoyed this film. Like, I could be watching it at home. On DVD. While smoking some killer weed. While Salma Hayek sat in my lap and...

Nah, I have to admit, even that wouldn't help.